Kind Candorship

I’ve always been proud of myself for my ability to not only execute, but to voice and elaborate my opinions transparently to all members of a project, regardless of where they were in the organisational matrix. My willingness to speak up was a “strong cultural element” that my company needed more of, and it was my duty to pass it to new joiners. I had earned the reputation of being a “straight shooter”, but it came at a cost.

A couple of years ago, at Teya, I noticed a shift in how I interacted with certain peers and how others engaged with me. That triggered some changes in me to rectify the matter (and still do!), and I had never planned on writing about it until I read a quote last week:

“The man who is brutally honest enjoys the brutality as much as the honesty. Possibly more”. - Richard J. Needham

The quote summarises what had happened perfectly. Words were being weaponised, and “culture” was a shield to rebuff any criticism.

Is “Better Than Bad” Good Enough?

A long-held conviction of mine is that honesty pays multiple positive dividends for all parties involved. I maintain that, even if just from a selfish perspective, not having to juggle between personas or strategise about one’s words would allow one to better focus on their assigned mission. There’s no shortage of literature on the other benefits of a good work environment, which your attitude is a part of, and its impact on productivity.

Equally, crowd wisdom and experiences are abundant around working with deceitful people. Those who are interested in gaming the optics, on how their comments can be constructed towards personal benefits, and who aim to rise through the ranks with hollow compliments and manipulation. We have had our share. They believe in zero-sum games, and there should be no tolerance for coexisting with them.

But if you are or aim to be a high performer within your trade, why would you settle for being just marginally better than the above? Brutal honesty is indeed better, but is this really the best you can do? Achieve collective goals alone? Or worse yet, invoking malaise and making your assistance the last option for someone in need? Your challenge is to be kindly candid.

My Journey to Kind Candorship

The starting point for Kind Candorship for me was realising this truth: no one wakes up intending to do a bad job. This holds true in business, hospitality, or any other aspect of life. We associate ourselves with our professions in today’s world, wanting to arrive home at night, proud and ready to share how our day was.

When reflecting on my past, and even to this day, when I fail, I can recall moments where I could have done better. I wasn’t being aggressive, I wasn’t insulting or publicly shaming people, but I knew I was arguing and taking pleasure in being right. When you are honest with yourself, you can find traces that will reveal your intentions. Are your public discourses getting kinder or harsher with time?

A key moment for me was realising that there was someone from a different team who was struggling with a product requirements document but was reluctant to reach out to me. To be clear, I had never refused to help anyone, but comments weaponised by me towards a different group had shaped that new joiner’s perception of me. Catching wind of the situation allowed me to witness and change my behaviour. I had worn a proud badge of being “effective” up to that point, only to discover that it was now a barrier preventing a future leader from getting the help they needed. Being brutally honest was undermining the company I was building and weakening our members. It was the opposite of everything I wanted.

Ever since that moment, I have failed to come up with a scenario where a person cannot be both truthful and kind. On the flipside, there’s no shortage of “brutally honest” instances where it ends up being both dishonest (about the need for that) and unkind (to the person).

Recognising the impact I was having on my company, and being ashamed of reconciling this with my Christian faith, was all the motivation I needed to change. But I’m pragmatic, and these two things may not be true for you, so, from a strictly selfish perspective, why should you care? Because beyond personal conviction, Kind Candorship is also a powerful strategic tool for getting things done.

Kindness as a Strategic Advantage

In the first paragraphs, I mentioned the literature on “good work environments” and how they enhance group productivity. Another self-evident and agreed aspect is our ability to more easily accept feedback from “friendly faces” as opposed to “outsiders”. You can witness this from echo bubbles on social media, to different engineering teams, to social dynamics within a group.

Even if you were immune to this effect (you are not!) - you can safely assume that others won’t. Given this, your kindness in delivering a message may be the difference between a quick turnaround towards a solution together, or an energy-draining debate about irrelevant details that will put all of you and your goals in jeopardy. Implementing your feedback should be your priority goal if you were truthful about your motivations.

Additionally, to build upon the effects of the environment on productivity, some individuals you are working with are likely experiencing external factors affecting their performance. It may be a divorce, a struggle with a family member, a death of a loved one or one of the other hundreds of possibilities. They may evolve past this and become people you will need to work with —and possibly even learn from —in the future. Maybe they move someplace else, or your paths cross again. You are missing the chance of being exceptionally well regarded in exchange for what?

Putting in Practice In The Real World

Now, this isn’t a fictional blog post that tries to distort the reality of business. There’s a minority of people who may not act in good faith but maliciously pursue bad intentions. I still think that you should be kind while directing them to HR and out the door.

There’s apparently also an “energy trade-off”, which, given my experience, is actually not true. It may seem harder to be kind than to be apathetic. But so is being great at whatever it is you do, and if you are already a master of your trade, then I believe you are much better off investing in being a better human being.

There will also be situations where the reality of it is hard for them by themselves. Maybe you are firing someone, maybe you are delivering tough feedback. I challenge you, as a leader, to rise to the challenge in those times. It’s not (and never will be) about lying or sugar-coating. Honesty without kindness is cruelty, and kindness without honesty is manipulation.

You don’t need a complicated 10-step framework to put this into practice. What has helped me is being honest with myself about my intentions and posing the question of whether I would have had different reactions to that Slack message had it been posted by my best friend. Why wouldn’t you reach for your better version?

Today, I try to be kinder at all moments. However, I still fail, and I hope others will be kind to me when I do.